[1] It is the usual expectation that, by the very nature of the role, grandparents have successfully raised at least one child to adulthood. Though baby equipment and advice might have changed since they had to do it, the fundamentals have not. So, while the average first-time grandparent might gaze in baffled wonderment at the latest in buggies, car seats, and dietary no-nos, the actual nurturing of the new infant is familiar territory. Thus, grandparents can generally be relied upon as a sort of afterhours helpline: a source of advice and reassurance, long after the local midwife has gone home and switched on the answer-machine.

Not so for me. Where babies are concerned, I am a complete novice. The last ten days have, therefore, been something of an education.

• Bottle feeding: A good ‘seal’ is required between mouth and teet to avoid spillage. If more milk appears to be arriving on bib than in stomach, suspect a leak and adjust positioning of baby: head at the top, feet at the bottom.

• Feeding solids: Let’s face it, before baby’s first teeth arrive, the very word “solid”, when applied to food, is an exaggeration. Unfortunately, since feeding with a spoon requires aim and coordination, as well as the cooperation of baby to open its mouth, a certain amount of spillage is inevitable. The exact level is partly dependent on the skill of the feeder and can range from a minor seepage to a full “blow back” event (see below).

• Burping: If baby appears to be suffering from wind, cease feeding immediately and burp. Failure to do so can produce colourful results, especially on pale clothing. When burping baby, it is preferable to shield your clothing with a muslin or other washable material before rubbing or patting its back. If no suitable cloth available, don’t worry, you don’t have eyes in the back of your head and what the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over.

• Entertainment: baby is easy to entertain and wont mind in the least if you have forgotten all but the first verse of ‘Horsey, horsey’. Distracting him while feeding can be messy, but then a scrunched up piece of kitchen paper makes a great toy.

• Nappies: A healthy baby’s nappy holds no mysteries. The colour of the contents usually more or less reflects the colour of whatever baby was eating a couple of hours ago, though with a slightly more solid consistency. The smell is added simply as a warning of a potential overflow situation.

• Sleeping: most babies easily become desensitised to normal household noises, whether it be the Hoover, washing machine, hairdryer, or Led Zepplin being played at full volume. Tip-toe across a creeky wooden floorboard in your socks, however, and you can expect baby to immediately wake from the deepest sleep.

• Dinnerware: Tempting though it may be to buy that charming Peter Rabbit place setting in preparation for baby’s visit, remember that a single baby will quickly create a dishwasher load of sticky bottles, plastic bowls and spoons, not to mention anything else within range of the highchair. Unless you want to spend all day at the kitchen sink, buy at least six of everything.

• Baby buggies: If you labour under the illusion that modern buggies don’t take up too much space when folded, don’t risk filling your car with flat-pack furniture from Ikea on the way to the airport to collect baby – unless you have a roof rack.

Congratulations to Mike and Dee, John’s brother and sister-in-law, on the birth of their first grandchild yesterday, and best wishes to proud parents, Paula and Chris.